Paul Holes is a criminalist who helped to finally nail the Golden State Killer. It’s the climax of the memoir. This should have been a fascinating book, but if you are interested in that particular case, go read Michelle McNamara‘s I'll Be Gone in the Dark: One Woman's Obsessive Search for the Golden State Killer. She was one helluva writer and Mr. Holes, even with assistance, is not. To his credit, he gives Michelle her due, albeit in one short chapter.
It is Holes' memoir after all, so we learn a lot about him. He suffers from the same problems as many other investigators do: too immersed in work, neglecting family relationships, drinking too much, anxiety, insomnia. Even when he married a fellow investigator, he couldn't keep the relationship between the lines. The ironic part is that he repeatedly claims that he just didn't understand what other people wanted from him, but he also emphasizes how much he empathizes with crime victims and how much he can interpret of the perpetrator’s actions and motivations. Well, you can't have it both ways, Bub. Either you get other people or you don't or won't. It makes me think he just wasn't all that interested in his wives and kids.
In many ways, this book is an illustration of how patriarchy messes with men's lives as well as women's. Men can be forced into a narrow, restrictive macho role. This is especially true of men in law enforcement, who want to be seen as stoic, in control, and rock steady. Admitting to mistakes is ultra difficult for them. Everything gets compartmentalized to the nth degree and seeking psychological help is resisted or avoided. Self reflection seems to be just too risky or painful. Holes walks away from marriage counseling in his first marriage, for example, willing to get insights on the Golden State Killer, but not himself.
The capitalist system also encourages all people, but especially men, to determine their self-worth through their jobs. Holes sinks all his resources, professional and personal, into his role as cold case investigator, even when it conflicts with what he's being paid to do or when it estranges him from his loved ones. The book doesn't end up being a flattering self-portrait. Although I don't entirely blame him for letting his environment determine how his life was shaped, I do wish he had tried to diversify his interests a bit. Retirement is not going to be easy for someone as invested in just one role as Holes is. I was glad to see that he seems to have finally committed to therapy.
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