The Wisdom of Psychopaths / Kevin Dutton

4 out of 5 stars

In this engrossing journey into the lives of psychopaths and their infamously crafty behaviors, the renowned psychologist Kevin Dutton reveals that there is a scale of “madness” along which we all sit. Incorporating the latest advances in brain scanning and neuroscience, Dutton demonstrates that the brilliant neurosurgeon who lacks empathy has more in common with a Ted Bundy who kills for pleasure than we may wish to admit, and that a mugger in a dimly lit parking lot may well, in fact, have the same nerveless poise as a titan of industry.

As Dutton develops his theory that we all possess psychopathic tendencies, he puts forward the argument that society as a whole is more psychopathic than ever: after all, psychopaths tend to be fearless, confident, charming, ruthless, and focused—qualities that are tailor-made for success in the twenty-first century.


If you choose to read this book, I would advise regarding it completely as entertainment. Don’t expect it to reveal too much about the issue of psychopathy—it tells the reader much more about the author than about this mental condition.

This is a book to be enjoyed for its anecdotes, not for its scholarship. The author seems to believe that quite a number of psychopaths populate his life—from his father to one of his childhood friends. Plus he tells an entertaining story of his visit to Broadmoor Hospital, where psychopaths are securely housed.

Despite the author’s enthusiasm, I’m not sure that we regular folk have anything of any great import to learn from psychopaths. Much more significant in my opinion is the ability of regular folk to recognize these damaged people and deal with or avoid them, something that the author doesn’t even broach. This seems to be more the author as a fan, rather than a realist about the condition.  Still an entertaining read.

F*ck Feelings / Michael & Sarah Bennett

3 out of 5 stars

The only self-help book you’ll ever need, from a psychiatrist and his comedy writer daughter, who will help you put aside your unrealistic wishes, stop trying to change things you can’t change, and do the best with what you can control—the first steps to managing all of life’s impossible problems.

In this brilliantly sensible and funny book, a Harvard-educated shrink and his comedy-writing daughter reveal that the real f-words in life are “feelings” and “fairness.” While most self-help books are about your feelings and fulfilling your wildest dreams, F*ck Feelings will show you how to find a new kind of freedom by getting your head out of your ass and yourself onto the right path toward realistic goals and feasible results. F*ck Feelings is the last self-help book you will ever need!


Life sucks and then you die.

But what you do about it in between those two events will make a difference to how you feel about that statement. Are you ready for straightforward advice about what you can change and what you can’t? If so, pick up F*ck Feelings and start figuring it out.

I expected to enjoy this book far more than I did. It is written by a psychiatrist father and his stand-up comedian daughter and while it definitely has its moments, I found myself skipping large portions of each chapter. Apparently the regular readers of self-help books require generous doses of repetition to drive home even the simplest point. I soon found myself by-passing their examples, the “quick diagnosis” sections, and the suggested scripts to make your intentions clear.
By and large, I found the advice dispensed to be highly sensible. Common sense really, which as several of my friends like to remind me, is not all that common. I do find myself thinking about the warning that if brain wiring or brain chemistry are working against you, all the struggle in the world may not get you anywhere. In situations like these, it may be best to just find a way to cope with the way you are wired and move along.

Also sensible: you can only be responsible for your own behaviour. Trying to control other people is an exercise in futility. Decide if the person you are trying to change is someone that you can live with just the way they are or whether you are best off backing away from the relationship. If you decide to disengage, back away slowly and quietly, not making a big deal about it. In other words, just fade out.

Plus, don’t ask questions that you don’t want the answer to. Bugging a quiet person for more input is likely to produce information that you didn’t want to know. Sometimes, silence really is golden.

And yes, Assholes exist in the world. Just about everybody knows at least one. You can’t change them either. Do the fade out if possible, but if they are a permanent fixture in your life (i.e. a co-worker) then you are wise to not engage them in any sort of warfare. Ignore them to the best of your ability and do your own work. Drama accomplishes nothing.

Basically, stuff that I can’t believe that people need a psychiatrist to tell them. I did appreciate that Dr. Bennett did say that therapy is only recommended if you have a specific issue that you want to deal with and only for as long as it takes to deal with it. Don’t waste your money on messy, nonspecific therapy where you just muck about in the past “seeking insights.” That kind of muddy groping about for that “je ne sais quois” can actually make you less happy, more confused, and can even cause harm.

If there is someone in your life who still hasn’t figured out the basics of life, this book might be helpful for them (unless they’re an Asshole, but you know that). Not entertaining enough for the rest of us. Give it a pass if you’re basically happy with your life and aren’t really into the self-help genre.

The Hoarder in You / Robin Zasio

4 out of 5 stars

We all have treasured possessions—a favorite pair of shoes, a much-beloved chair, an ever-expanding record collection. But sometimes, this emotional attachment to our belongings can spiral out of control and culminate into a condition called compulsive hoarding. From hobbyists and collectors to pack rats and compulsive shoppers—it is close to impossible for hoarders to relinquish their precious objects, even if it means that stuff takes over their lives and their homes. According to psychologist Dr. Robin Zasio, our fascination with hoarding stems from the fact that most of us fall somewhere on the hoarding continuum. Even though it may not regularly interfere with our everyday lives, to some degree or another, many of us hoard. The Hoarder In You provides practical advice for decluttering and organizing, including how to tame the emotional pull of acquiring additional things, make order out of chaos by getting a handle on clutter, and create an organizational system that reduces stress and anxiety. Dr. Zasio also shares some of the most serious cases of hoarding that she’s encountered, and explains how we can learn from these extreme examples—no matter where we are on the hoarding continuum. 

I guess I intuitively knew there was a “hoarding continuum.” I have one sister who exists very much on the minimalist end of that scale—I envy her ease at keeping her house clean and organized. My other sister and I inhabit the mid-range of the scale, thankfully well away from OMG territory, but we struggle with accumulations of “stuff” in our homes.

It makes complete sense to me that the hoarding tendency goes hand in hand with anxiety issues and with perfectionism. My desire to do things not merely well, but excellently often stands in my way when I am sorting household debris—if I could just toss things into the dumpster and leave it at that, my home would be much less crowded. However, I feel the necessity to recycle as many items as possible—making things available for people who have less and keeping things out of the landfill. I’m starting to see that I need to let go of this perfectionism. Even the charities are getting picky about what items they accept and I need to just chuck some things.

Anxiety certainly also plays into my issues—questions like “where exactly is that electronics recycling depot?” hold me back, because I am reluctant to load the car and hope that I can find the spot. I like to know where I am going, but I can’t know until I actually go there the first time. I’ve managed to work myself into the perfect circular loop of inactivity.

I think one of the best tips in this book is the existence of thought distortions which make it difficult to part with certain objects. The whole “what if I need this later?” myth is a great example and one which I have heard directly from my sister’s lips. The truth is, if we need it later, we can borrow it or rent it or maybe find it second-hand. The real truth is we are unlikely to EVER need it and it is taking up real estate that could house things that are actually useful.

I had already come to see my household accumulations as piles of unmade decisions—now I have a few tools to deal with those problem piles. And I also have a book recommendation to make to my sister.

Switch / Chip & Dan Heath

2.5 out of 5 stars

Why is it so hard to make lasting changes in our companies, in our communities, and in our own lives?

The primary obstacle is a conflict that's built into our brains, say Chip and Dan Heath, authors of the critically acclaimed bestseller Made to Stick. Psychologists have discovered that our minds are ruled by two different systems - the rational mind and the emotional mind - that compete for control. The rational mind wants a great beach body; the emotional mind wants that Oreo cookie. The rational mind wants to change something at work; the emotional mind loves the comfort of the existing routine. This tension can doom a change effort - but if it is overcome, change can come quickly.

I'n giving this book 2.5 stars—absolutely average. Because I think that I have seen it all and tried it all before. And I think the book could have been cut by several chapters without being hurt at all.

I like the basic metaphor of this book: the emotions as an elephant, the intellect as mahout. The rider (as the Heaths call the mahout) has limited amounts of strength and will-power to use to direct the elephant; the elephant has to be cooperative, or the rider won’t get where she wants to go. Also discussed is the path—the environment which we can manipulate to steer ourselves into the desired habits and behaviours. [See also: Slim by Design by Brian Wansink re: changing the environment to facilitate change].

I think the examples given in Switch are much more applicable to the work place than to the individual household. I’ve been trying to get myself to do basic housework as I go each week, rather than storing up misery for myself on the weekends. But so far, I just can’t get my elephant to give a damn about the situation. The mahout tries her best, but very little housework gets done.

The authors also use an example of teaching a monkey to use a skateboard, using mango bits as rewards. They suggest that lavish use of rewards will help with eliciting the desired behaviour. I have used this strategy on myself with limited success—do X and then you can read a chapter of your book or phone someone you want to talk to. The tricky thing is then to stop at one chapter and do another chore before reading the next chapter (my elephant is a tricky one).

Another suggestion in the book is linkages of behaviours—look for a bright spot in your routine, something that you have no problem doing, then link it to another desired action. This was how I trained myself to floss my teeth EVERY evening. I slotted that task in between washing my face and brushing my teeth. After a year and a half of this, I am finally to the point that it takes a major catastrophe to prevent me from flossing. However, I’m still working on linking setting up my coffee maker in the evening to doing any dishes that won’t go in the dishwasher. That was my one New Year’s Resolution for 2015 and at the 6 month point, I still haven’t performed this task reliably. Unfortunate, as both my elephant & mahout enjoy getting up to a clean kitchen.

The Heaths also take a page out of the FlyLady’s book [Sink Reflections : FlyLady’s Babystep Guide to Overcoming Chaos] by recommending breaking tasks down into tiny sections—making the goal so small that the emotional elephant isn’t spooked by it. Marla Cilley (the FlyLady) recommends 5 minute cleaning bursts on the theory that you can force yourself to do almost anything for only 5 minutes and that a small success will almost always carry you along to do more. This works for me to some extent—some days I designate as “It bugs me so I fix it” days. If I notice a dusty window sill, I go get a cloth and clean it. Then I may go and check all the other window sills and make sure they are clean too. I notice a grimy light switch—suddenly it’s “clean all the light switches” day.

I also have experience with trying to manipulate my environment to make being tidy an easy option. [See Organizing from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern for more tips on this]. I’ve moved my filing cabinet to the dining room where I seem to like to open the mail. Sometimes the contents make it into the files, but once again, not on a reliable basis.

So, I need to find myself a reliable EMOTIONAL reason to keep up with these tasks—and I haven’t come up with one yet. My solution to the situation is usually to invite guests, spurring myself to spruce up my apartment. So far, peer pressure is the only thing that works every time for me! And the Heaths also recommend that, so I may just have to stick with it and invite folks in more often.

Wish there was a little more to the book than that—I am apparently an awfully recalcitrant housekeeper.